THE VAULT

Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Holiday Monkey: Halloween 2006
by Sol Holliday Holiday Monkey

Greetings! Holiday Monkey here, coming to you from beyond the grave! As you may or may not know, today is Halloween. The most wicked of days is upon us! A day when goblins, ghouls, ghosts, and ghastly teens take to the streets seeking blood, carnage, vengeance toward ex-lovers, and of course, getting Mrs. Peterson’s trees super toilet-papery.

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Monday, October 30, 2006
George Allen Poe
by Julius Serpentine

This guy... hehehe. I hate this guy.

With majorities in the Congress and Senate on the line, many of the pivotal races for the November 7th elections are, like road kill under a summer sun, heating up. The closely contested senate battle in Virginia between incumbent Republican George Allen and Democrat James Webb has taken a strange turn with the publication of a press release, titled “Webb’s Weird World”.

The press release, put out by George Allen’s campaign, contained sexually explicit passages from several of Webb’s novels. The Drudge Report, a prime source of fedora fashion and political scoops, printed the excerpts after Allen’s aides failed to get them run anywhere else. This, of course, is not indicative of the quality of this story.

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Saturday, October 28, 2006
CelebriMonkey: Celebrity Roundup
by Amber Starr CelebriMonkey

Hello, my lovely little gossip-bots! It’s time to recap this week’s celebrity news.

Courtney Love has reportedly turned to Buddhism to make amends for her past. Now, whenever she has a problem she turns to her faith. Sweetheart, if the drugs weren’t helping, Buddhism doesn’t stand a chance.

Love’s filthy grunge husband, Kurt Cobain, topped Forbes magazine’s list of highest earning dead celebrities, beating out Elvis for the top spot. Elvis, another drug abusing rock icon, had been the reigning king for the last four years. Thank God a fatty who died with his pants around his ankles doesn’t top the Forbes list anymore. It was getting a little embarrassing, like how being married to Michael Jackson then Nicholas Cage is a little embarrassing. I’m looking at you Lisa Marie.

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Monday, October 23, 2006
Can’t Buy Me Hate
by The Colonel

Really, Love. Don't touch me.

Acrimonious divorce proceedings are nothing new in the world of celebrity. But every now and then, a separation becomes so nasty, so venomous, that it becomes legendary. Divorces such as, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards; Liza Minnelli and that one creepy guy have become infamous all around the world. But this week, a divorce continued which may prove to be the worst celebrity break up of all time: Sir Paul McCartney and Lady Heather Mills-McCartney.

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Saturday, October 21, 2006
Sports Monkey: World Series 2006
by Damien Atlas Sports Monkey

Tonight’s the first game of the 2006 World Series, where the Saint Louis Cardinals will face off against the Detroit Tigers.

Before I start the preview for this series let me just say a few things; I know a lot of people don’t really care for baseball. The main complaint is that it’s boring. The people who say that are crazy and possibly brain damaged. Don’t listen to them. What could possibly be wrong with a sport that allows you to sit on your ass and drink for three straight hours? Let me tell you: nothing! You should immediately start punching anyone who says different in the face. Facial bruising will help them remember. It’s one of the laws of the jungle.

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

They take him to the 'Wedgie Chamber'

If you want to do something that is against the law, just change it. That is the lesson that President Bush and members of Congress taught the American public, as the Commander-in-Chief signed into law the Military Commissions Act.

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Monday, October 9, 2006
The Provocative Pyongyang
by Julius Serpentine

Hurray! Sanctions!

The game of chicken between North Korea and the rest of the world has come to a head, with North Korea announcing the successful completion of an underground nuclear test. The international community has universally condemned the test and White House spokesman Tony Snow, slowly licking his lips, stated that the test was a “provocative act”.

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Monday, October 2, 2006

Rep. Foley, seen here pointing at the cute boys.

This week, yet another scandal surfaced from the ever-moral Congress, involving not only sex, but also an unusually high level of irony. In what media pundits are calling, “Pedo-Gate,” Rep. Mark Foley (R) of Florida abruptly resigned Friday amid accusations of sending sexually explicit emails and instant messages to underage boys. In a transcript provided by ABC News, the instant messages go from Foley asking the boy, “how my favorite young stud doing (sic),” to describing various methods of masturbation and stating, “well I have aa totally stiff wood now (sic and sick).” Internet bloggers have quickly labeled this exchange, “GayZ0r.”

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