THE VAULT

Monday, September 25, 2006
The Illusionists
by Julius Serpentine

An all new Axis of Evil?

A leaked memo from a French intelligence agency indicates that Osama Bin Laden has succumbed to typhoid fever somewhere in the Pakistani mountains bordering Afghanistan. Typhoid fever is commonly spread through ingesting water or food contaminated by the feces of an already infected person. Apparently, the most wanted man in the world had died from eating infected poop. It turned out the leak was nothing more than an unconfirmed rumor.

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Monday, September 18, 2006
The Vampire LeColonel
by The Colonel

I'm so mysterious, like some brand of gloomy ninja!

In unfortunate events this week, Kimveer Gill went on a shooting spree at his college in Canada before police shot and killed him. He was 25 years old. Though his motives were vague, postings on a site called Vampire Freaks tell a fuller story. He considered himself an Angel of Death, and reportedly hated jocks, preps, country music, and Hip-Hop. Clearly, Kimveer was filled with hate.

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Monday, September 11, 2006
Is it Too Soon?
by Julius Serpentine

My patriotic heart rumbles with love.

Observing the fifth anniversary of the September 11th attacks, Slantmouth decided to visit the World Trade Center Memorial in Gaynorsville, Indiana. George Thompson, a lifetime Gaynorsville resident, erected the modest memorial to guarantee that the world would never forget the events of that day.

While it is still undecided what the fate will be of the World Trade Center site in New York, Thompson felt it was his patriotic duty to create something as a testament to those who passed away. Turning what was once a simple fireworks stand, Thompson pieced together the second most sentimental roadside attraction in the world, placing a close second behind the Hiroshima Super Roadside Spectacular.

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Monday, September 4, 2006
Yours in War and Peace
by The Colonel

President Bush, we hardly knew ye.

On the eve of September 11th, a film will debut depicting the assassination of a great man. A man of virtue and honor, intelligence and sense, persistence and vision. Who is this great man? Is it John F. Kennedy? Is it Martin Luther King, Jr.? Could it be Abraham Lincoln? No. It is George Walker Bush, 43rd President of These United States. Many may wonder, how can this be? Who could want to harm such a beautiful, gentle man? Who?

The answer lies across the pond, some 3,000 miles (4,800 kilometers) away on the swampy isle known as “Great” Britain. Yes, these people known for their terrible food, poor hygiene, and funny accents have not only dreamt of the death of our greatest President of all time, they have, in fact, made a film about it.

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