THE VAULT

Monday, August 28, 2006
Choose Your Own DANGER!
by Julius Serpentine

That kid's got a nail clipper, TAKE HIM DOWN!

In the wake of the recent wave of terror related arrests, we here at Slantmouth feel it is our duty to prepare our fine readers in the event that they themselves must face-off against deadly terrorists. Using the power of the internet, we have carefully crafted a realistic simulation of what an average person may face when encountering a run-of-the-mill terrorist cell bent on killing themselves, innocent civilians, and, most importantly, you.

For those faint of heart or not willing to make the tremendous sacrifice required in battling terrorist scum, be warned that you may sustain severe psychological damage through the use of this simulation.

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Monday, August 21, 2006
Death by Granny
by The Colonel

Aged, like a fine, leathery wine.

Today, Slantmouth presents a story that seems too incredible to be true. Two women, in their 70s have been charged with killing homeless men in hit-and-run car crashes to collect some $2.3 million in life insurance funds. These deadly grandmas befriended the hobos and paid for them to stay in apartments in order to obtain their signatures.

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Monday, August 14, 2006
Hire Fidelity
by Julius Serpentine

A Dictator among Dictators.

Dear Mr. Fidel Castro,

It is good to hear that you are recovering from surgery. The international community has been worried, but the sight of your well-worn, catcher’s mitt face has put their minds at ease. I have it on good authority that President Bush was up all night praying to Jesus when he first heard about your surgery. You are the least threatening world leader with a beard and for that he adores you. Now that you are doing better, I am sure that the President, once again, will be sleeping like a baby in Baghdad.

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Monday, August 7, 2006
Revenge of the Nerds
by The Colonel

Nerds TRIUMPHANT!

In a bold move, Microsoft challenged hackers to “take your best shot” at the oft-delayed Windows Vista. According to Andrew Cushman, Microsoft’s director of security outreach, “You need to touch it, feel it,” and as he slowly caressed his chest stated, “We’re here to show our work.” Slantmouth’s Sector of Computer Hackery was on site at the Black Hat computer-security conference to probe into Vista.

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