THE VAULT

Monday, July 31, 2006
Twelve Steps in Time
by Julius Serpentine

Crazy Uncle Mel's been drinking again.

Every now and again the Slantmouth staff likes to dust off the old time machine and assemble a pantheon of historical figures capable of giving the world a unique perspective on the issues of today. This week we have gathered some of American history’s famous alcoholics to discuss Mel Gibson.

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Monday, July 24, 2006
Way of the Bastard
by The Colonel

It's Jesus for Toddlers!

Hello, and greetings, Neighbors! Your friendly Colonel has some good news he’d like to share with you- and that good news is the Gospel. That’s right, friends; thanks to Kirk Cameron and The Way of the Master, I’ve suddenly realized that Jesus was inside me all along! I was going to start sharing the good news immediately, but I decided to find out whether or not I was a “GOOD” person first. Let’s take the test– together!

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Monday, July 17, 2006
Rest in Peace Middle East
by Julius Serpentine

Peace is dead. Rest in Peace.

Slantmouth comes to you today with a heavy heart. We have the unfortunate task of bringing you some tragic news. Sadly, our good friend and weight lifting partner, Middle E. Peace, took his own life this past week. Even while we try and come to grips with this recent event, we still feel obligated to fulfill our duty as public servants and provide our faithful readers with something.

Before us sits the tear-soaked letter that our friend wrote in the fateful moments before his life ended. As we wipe away the snot from the smudged ink of his letter, we have decided to transcribe it so that the world may read it. Hopefully others will see it as a warning sign for what this world can do to a good man or maybe they will get really depressed and turn to drinking. We are counting on the first one but, if we can point and laugh, we may not mind the second.

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Monday, July 10, 2006
Shutdown of Stankonia
by The Colonel

Governor of The Stench

One week ago Saturday, New Jersey’s honorable, yet smelly, government underwent a shut down that would last 7 days and cost the state millions of dollars. The reason for the shut down? One percent. That’s right, Governor Jon S. Corzine managed to bring the New Jersey state government to its knees, like so many Jersey City prostitutes, over raising sales taxes from 6 to 7 percent. Now, Slantmouth brings you a comprehensive account of what happened, and why no one important seemed to care.

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Monday, July 3, 2006
The King and I
by Julius Serpentine

The King of Bloat

On occasion, your friendly neighborhood Slantmouth staffers wish to bring you unfiltered content from the world’s political leaders. This is not because we are lazy and would rather not bother coming up with our own content. No, faithful readers, this is because we want to bring to light a multicultural view that is often shunned from lesser Multimedia Juggernauts than Slantmouth. We want to bring to you, straight from the source, the views of the most powerful men in the world who are not white. While this will ensure that this type of patented Slantmouth content will be short-lived, we still feel it is our social obligation to serve it fresh.

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