THE VAULT

This week, two innocent men were convicted on innumerable counts of conspiracy and fraud. Once lauded as the smartest guys in any room they entered, Jeffrey Skilling and Kenneth Lay weren’t smart enough to escape the ruthless efforts of a corrupt “Whistleblower” such as Sherron Watkins. Her obvious and brutal lust for power and fame has earned her the name, “The Buzzsaw,” and with good reason. But let us start during happier times in the Land of Enronopia.

Dear United Nations Committee Against Torture,

Your recent call for the closure of Guantanamo Bay has come to my attention. The eleven-page report explaining your decision even graces my desk. While I may have not actually read the document, by the power vested in me by the Internet, I feel more than qualified to comment. Check my office wall. It has more dubious qualifications framed on it than most cable news terrorism experts.

Near Jakarta, Indonesia, the dreaded Mount Merapi has been rumbling for about a month, but the lava bubbling out in the last few days could be a warning of things to come. As always, the staff here at Slantmouth is looking out for signs of the end times. And as signs go, volcanoes are right up there with huge hurricanes, killer quakes, and scary tsunamis. “Clearly,” said Michael Ramsey of the University of Pittsburgh, “it looks like things may be getting much worse.”

Children of America, your hero has returned. That’s right, kids. Bill Clinton is here to save your bulbous bodies from reaching critical mass and exploding into a meaty mess.

Today. May 1st, Twenty Aught Six, marks the day that millions upon millions of immigrant workers across the nation will be taking off work to protest in the streets as a show of unity and to prove that immigrants, are indeed, vital to this country’s economy. According to CNN, “Meatpacking plants will shut down. Markets won’t open. Trucks won’t roll. Students will walk out of school. Millions of people will take to America’s streets in possibly unprecedented numbers.” We here at Slantmouth have to agree as even we are feeling the effects because every one of our various departments and divisions, are indeed, run by immigrants.

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