THE VAULT

Monday, April 24, 2006
Smooth Criminal
by Julius Serpentine

Smooth Pervert

This is the moment all four remaining Michael Jackson fans have been waiting for: The King of Pop will be taking a break from his busy child molestation trial schedule to work on a new album! He will be recording his latest album for the Bahrain-based label Two Seas Records.

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Monday, April 17, 2006
Ready to Pop!
by The Colonel

It's a ham! Hut, hut, HIKE!

In perhaps the most disturbing story of recent times, the birth of the vile Cruise spawn is imminent. As we all know, Katie Holmes has been fertilized with the alien seed of the dreaded Level 6 Operating Thetan, Tom Cruise. According to Cruise, “She’s ready to pop.” This has leading scientists speculating upon many things regarding the birth. In Slantmouth’s, ongoing efforts to bring you signs of the end times, we shall present leading scientific theories about the creature that may be spewed forth in coming weeks, and what you can do to prepare for what may be the beginning of the end for all of mankind.

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Monday, April 10, 2006
Fugedda baddit
by Julius Serpentine

Gangsters Love Us

In a twist straight out of Hollywood, two New York City police detectives were convicted of murder for being mob assassins. The attention that has been brought to the case has lead many to try and cash in on the story. As many as four books have already been commissioned. Slantmouth is currently vying for the movie rights, in order to produce a “Vaguely based on true events” made for TV movie called “Mob Mentality”. We can already smell the Emmy.

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Monday, April 3, 2006
Science but Deadly
by The Colonel

SCIENCE!

This week, the team here at Slantmouth could report on a lot of topics. Sure, the 911 emergency calls from September 11th were released this week, and the war in Iraq waged for yet another week, but what about the news that really matters? Science moves us forward and brings us mind-blowing innovations, like the silly straw. Without science, your puny brain wouldn’t even be able to read the greatness that we spew weekly, let alone comprehend it. So in an effort to bring you what you sorely demand (Science!) Slantmouth, as always, delivers. Now, fellow monkeys, feast upon the glory that is science!

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