THE VAULT

Monday, February 27, 2006
Escape From New Orleans
by Julius Serpentine

Party Gras, May God Help Us All

Mardi Gras has been a staple of New Orleans culture since 1699. However, expectations are that this year’s Mardi Gras celebration will not match up to the size of previous years. Analysts expect a 65% drop in debauchery and a shocking 75% drop in nudity. The reason? Hurricane Katrina.

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Monday, February 20, 2006
Olympic Idol
by The Colonel

Nothing is Sadder than Olympic Mascots

This year’s Olympic games have one thing in common with the many before them: a mascot. The illustrious tradition of choosing a Mascot, to represent the event, stretches all the way back to 1968 in Grenoble, where Schuss, a stylized skier, was the first Official Olympic mascot. Tragically, the pressure of being an Olympic mascot leads many of these poor, benevolent souls down a path to destruction.

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Wednesday, February 15, 2006
See Dick Hunt
by The Colonel

Satan's Packing Heat

Dateline: Kingsville, Texas. The Private Ranch of Katharine Armstrong. Saturday, February 11th, 2006.

Harry Whittington, a 78-year-old lawyer, was shot and wounded during a quail hunting expedition by none other than Dick Cheney. The official story states that as Cheney, an experienced hunter, turned to shoot at a covey of quail, Whittington approached from behind, unannounced.

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Monday, February 13, 2006
Faces Of Life
by Julius Serpentine

A Mime with a Mission

The staff at Slantmouth thinks you should know who Isabelle Dinoire is and what we think is, clearly, very important. She is the French woman who had the world’s first Slantmouth transplant. The first of many future transplants, no doubt.

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Monday, February 6, 2006
The State of Delusion
by The Colonel

Mine Furher, George W. Bush

Another year, another State of the Union Address and this one, like the ones that came before it, was chock full of hope, promises and fantastical tales of a better year to come. Ah, the ceremony, the standing, the sitting, the gratuitous applause. Nothing makes me feel more patriotic than sitting down with my golden retriever, eating some freshly baked apple pie and watching the State of the Union Address that I recorded on my TiVo. These are the very things that make our Nation great. From Slantmouth to you: May God Bless America!

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