THE VAULT

Monday, January 30, 2006
Dixar Us
by Julius Serpentine

Our dear friend, Walt Disney

In a blockbuster deal, The Walt Disney Company acquired Pixar Animation Studios for $7.4 billion. Recent years have seen Disney fail to capture the imagination or money of its audience. The sale of breakfast cereal tie-ins, the Industry Standard Indicator on a movie’s success, has been gradually decreasing with each subsequent film. Many higher-ups on the Board of Directors thought that the concentration on hand drawn animation, instead of computer-generated animation, was hurting Disney films at the box office. They concluded that it had nothing to do with the films being both poorly conceived and executed.

Continue Reading…

Monday, January 23, 2006

Bin Laden says, 'Big ups to mah Peeps!'

This week can only be described as an All Star al Qaeda Mix Tape Extravaganza! Coming in at Number One, the man himself, Osama “Rock yo’ Momma” bin Laden, with his smash hit, “Recruitin’ Ain’t Easy”. And how can we forget, Osama’s number two, Ayman al-Zawahiri, with his 17-minute hip-hopera, “Trapped in the Cavern.”

Continue Reading…

Monday, January 16, 2006
Frogs in Heat
by Julius Serpentine

In a devastating blow to biodiversity, almost two-thirds of the 110 known species of harlequin frogs have gone extinct in Central and South America. Many scientists have been left scratching their bald, spectacled heads over this mass extinction.

Continue Reading…

Monday, January 9, 2006
Hopelessly Lost
by The Colonel

Lost fever is sweeping the nation like a screaming bubonic plague of theoretical guano. As you may already know, it’s a bit hard to keep up with all of the characters and events. If you’ve missed so much as two seconds of any given episode, then you’re likely further behind than a fat asthmatic running a hundred-meter dash.

Continue Reading…

Sunday, January 1, 2006
Empathy for the Masses
by Julius Serpentine

There is nothing more fearsome in this world than a journalist with a backbone. When a journalist with any level of fortitude actually does his job, it is necessary to raise him above the masses and display him as a beacon of light, perhaps feature him on a popular television news magazine.

Immersed, Journalistic Dynamo, Farris Hassan, 16Farris Hassan, 16 (pictured left), is one of these individuals. He entered the war zone in Iraq, without the knowledge of his parents, so that he could help the people. Armed with a prep school class in immersive journalism and a notebook, Hassan meticulously documented his few days in Baghdad. Slantmouth was able to obtain exclusive excerpts from his notebook.

Continue Reading…