THE VAULT

A Very Special Message
September 10, 2008 by Julius Serpentine

Slantmouth faithful, you may have noticed the lack of new content in the last few weeks. There is a very good reason for this: we’re taking a break. However, don’t think for a second that this is a vacation for us. It’s more of a working vacation. We will be taking this time to redesign and retool Slantmouth into something new and, we think, wonderful. A purer place for our terrifying insights into the human condition, or dick jokes.

The Hunt Continues
August 24, 2008 by The Colonel

Dammit! Can't a genetic freak take a crap in peace?

The hunt for Bigfoot. An eternal mystery which rivals that of most other great mysteries. The Bermuda Triangle, the Lock Ness Monster, Aliens. All of these mysteries. Unsolved. Unanswered. Staring at mankind, mocking us from on high, laughing. Just laughing. God damned mysteries. But now, that hunt is over.

LEAVE AMATEUR SATIRE WRITERS ALOOOHOHOOONE!

The amateur satirist behind a less-than-popular news satire website, was tragically found dead in his apartment from an apparent self-inflicted groin wound. The victim’s body was discovered naked, surrounded by balled up tissues and empty lotion bottles, lightly lit by the seminal online satirical news source, the Onion, open on the victim’s computer.

OMFG! MILEY CYRUS! BIKINI!
August 4, 2008 by The Colonel

I'm pale and unattractive! Controversy!

Dood! You wouldn’t believe it if I told you. Ok, you would, because like most attention-seeking, publicist-controlled, pre-pubescent young starlets, Miley Cyrus has “sexy” new photos dressed in a bikini. And underpants! Awesome! Jail bait!

Take the Blue Pill, Retard
August 2, 2008 by Julius Serpentine

No, the blue one! Christ... no, the OTHER blue!

In a startling perversion of every science fiction novel, movie, and comic that foretold of pills that would contain an entire steak dinner a la mode, researchers at the Salk Institute in California have found two chemicals that can mimic the positive effects of exercise. Previously, many dreamed of the day that science fiction meal pills would become science reality. However, the people responsible for actually doing science went in a completely different direction by asking themselves, “What does a person who would daydream about eating an entire steak dinner in a matter of seconds really need?” Surprisingly, the answer had nothing to do with literally beating them into shape, but instead finding a way for them to exercise without the part where they actually exercise.